He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
