He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
