Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
