here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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