maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
