what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
