This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
