I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
