Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
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Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
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Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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