I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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