i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
