Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
