Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
