hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
