i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
