Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
