What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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