note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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