she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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