I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
