Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
