This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
