I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
