On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
