Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
