Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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