I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
