just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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