i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize