Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
