We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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