you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
