They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
