How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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