I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
worst night to have a conscience
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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