I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
