So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
