he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
