the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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