Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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