i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
