Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
