She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
