I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I could make wine with my vomit
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
