I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
