her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
