Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
