whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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