So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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