the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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