And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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