Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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