I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I intend to get homeless drunk
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
