His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
