Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
