I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
